I remember in my teenage years and in my early adulthood how I viewed life as nothing.
To me, it still is nothing but at the same time it is something meaningful that means nothing.
I spend and have spent days/years just killing time as I never cared about this world, yet I have had to always keep going on account of a God that has me here for purposes of his own that I do not delight in at all.
Yes, I have no problem coping with or managing this life as my life has shown and proved that I can handle anything. The problem is this life in the present world is unnatural to a natural way that life should be.
A lot of what is deemed normal is not normal.
Why did this plan have to include me? With all the people God created why drag me into this ridiculous shit that has nothing to do with me?
I have been blessed but these certain anointings have never been enough to make living here in the world with all the dumb shit and shit I could care less about worth my while.
I was always ahead of my time and pissed off because God put me here- feeling that I did not belong here and deserved better.
God claims to love but what kind of love would bring me to a place that I despise?
He gave me and gave certain others knowledge but what is the purpose of knowing things when we have no real control over anything and no guarantees in life but to one day die?
Are we just to know that no matter what we have experienced and possess through seasons of happiness and hardships we are still just mere dust that can be blown away at any time?
When I look back at a lot of life that has passed by, I really do not see the point or the purpose in the things I have gone through or encountered.
Most of the things I know now I already knew back when I was much younger.
Many things that excite and that are looked upon as significant to others are not appealing or anything relevant to me.
I did not need to witness or observe accounts of what I considered to be sick shit among other people -or to be successfully delivered through undesirable trials and tribulations- to know or to understand God’s power as I have.
To me, God’s force was always evident. But I was made to be an individual put into a world just like everyone else to undergo inevitable life situations.
What is the point of being in the world if one is truly not of it even if they are born into imperfection?
My resentment in the past for God came from my perceived view of his character and I still hold a little resentment toward him as I do not appreciate things about him that I do not understand as to his reasons why he lets things in life be.
Nevertheless, it is what it is.
I have been tired of this fucked up world since my teenage years yet still strong enough to endure every moment of it.